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I Need Thee

a couple weeks ago, my friend Brian gave his testimony in front of about 30 people.  it was really great!  i was really encouraged by his faith and journey with God.  one part that stood out to me was when he was praying for his caterpillar (another story entirely ;)  )  he said that it was pivotal part of his faith because he praying that his caterpillar would come back to life.  he thought he killed it after he had taken so much care to raise it.  he said to God, “i need you to heal my caterpillar.  i need you to make him better.  God, i need you to do this for me.”

when i pray, i rarely say “i need you, God.”  sometimes i feel demanding like i am forcing God to do something for me.  but hearing Brian say it, i heard his sincerity.  he didn’t have a demanding tone, but rather a desperate request for God.  i thought about it, and i realized that i don’t say “i need you” because of 2 things.  first, i ask God to do things knowing that he can, but often times wondering if he will.  i know God has the power to change, but i feel like my request isn’t “good enough” or “important enough” or not part of God’s plan.  of course i’d be nice for it to be answered, but i tell myself, “i guess it doesn’t have to be answered.”  which leads to my second reason–i don’t put all of my faith in my requests.  when saying “i need you,” i put my full trust and reliance on God to answer.  like there is no alternative but God.

but i should rely on God.  God is good, always.  he is waiting for my requests and for me to answer them.  he wants to give me good things and show me how much he loves me.  no matter my request, God wants to hear it.  he will lead me through hard things, but safely.  God wants to be a part of every single aspect of my life.  God wants me to rely on him in everything and provide for me.

so God, i need you.  i really need you and i am putting my trust in you.

knowing and feeling

sometimes it’s hard for me to believe what i know, when i feel something different.  how can change my feelings?

God, you’re still good despite what i’m feeling.

sidenote:  today i was reading a christian magazine about islam.  it said that people were noting the similarities in both monotheistic religions.  although there are similarities, there is a huge difference–Jesus Christ.  i remember asking my muslim friend about what she believes about Jesus.  she said that she doesn’t believe that Jesus is God, because God is perfect.  God (or any holy prophet for that matter) wouldn’t allow himself to die and be subjects to humans.  so i thought, “but God did do that.”  Jesus put himself so low as to become human, and sacrificed his son, just for us.  God loved us that much.  although he had that much power, strength, perfection and holiness, He still did it.  i cannot fathom how big of a sacrifice it was.  i want to live everyday remembering this and living with gratefulness of God’s grace.

beloved

sometimes, mtv has good stuff.

today, i watched a show called “true life” they film people with similar problems and how they deal with it and want to change.  the one i watched was about three women who have different lives on the internet.  the first woman, 18 years old, moved out of her house and is finishing her last year of high school homeschooling herself in her new apartment.  she has a social anxiety disorder and depression so she spends most of her time alone.  but online, she blogs and makes money by showing explicit pictures and videos of herself.  that’s how she finds friends and self worth.  the second woman plays music and sings for virtual people on “second life.”  that is where she finds friends and people to talk to.  she is too afraid of performing in real life because she’s afraid of people not liking her music and judging her.  the last woman chats online with men, takes explicit pictures of herself and basically gives men “pleasure” online.  she hates her body and thus has a different, virtual life on the internet.

even though these three women feel more comfortable online, they all are not satisfied with themselves or their situation.  watching this show made me so sad.  they continually degraded themselves and blamed themselves for their hard situations.  the first woman tried to socialize at a bowling alley, but was too stressed and left.  she was so angry and disgusted at herself for not being able to hang out.  there was a scene where the third woman was showing the camera all of the parts of herself that she loathes.

because of their insecurities and reliance on their virtual lives, the three women not only feel hurt themselves, but hurt their friends.  they have friends that care for them, but selling themselves online hurt their friends.  one thing that stood out was when the third woman confessed to her friend that she was talking to a guy online and taking explicit photos of herself for him.   hearing this, her friend became sad and upset because of her actions.  she began to cry which made the woman cry as well.  when the camera interviewed the woman, she felt terrible for hurting her friend and tried to change.

my reaction:  i first felt sad for these women.  seeing their problems, i just wanted to go and talk to them.  i wanted to be their friend.  i wanted to care for them and listen to them.  i wanted to show them that they don’t have to find worth through showing themselves on the internet.  i wanted to tell them that they don’t have to live the life they lead.  there is something better for them and so much more worthwhile.  there is someone always there for them to give them the love, care, kindness, comfort and kindness that they need.  i wanted to tell them about Jesus.  at times, i could understand these women.  it’s scary to talk to people and show yourself to others, not knowing what they will think.  putting yourself out there is scary and risky.  it’s often easier to not take the risk and continue your life as it is.  but what if there is a life completely better?  isn’t it worth risking?

i think this is helpful for me for starting the school year.   there are so many people suffering and living lives like these women.  they have fears and insecurities and continue to endure their lives.  they don’t know about the life with Jesus that is so much better filled with joy, love and hope.  i can show people this life.  i have witnessed it and experienced it.  i want to tell people of this great news!  i can have impact on people’s lives.  i also want to not be controlled by fear.  i saw that living life in fear can be so detrimental.  i can miss out on all the good things that God has for me because of my lack of action.  i want to take risks.  lastly, i want to live knowing that i am God’s beloved.  i have worth that comes from God because i am his child, his creation and the one he loves so much.  i don’t need to find worth in my academics, appearance, status or people.  Jesus has already redeemed me, and i don’t need to earn anything or become anything.  knowing this is freeing.

i’m glad i watched mtv today.

My Favorite Pictures from Hawaii

sunset picture flying into Hawaii

So beautiful! :)

I saw a turtle!  And a lot of dolphins!

The water was super super super blue!  it was unreal

A wonderful time with my family :)

dear _________,

i want you to know that i’m praying for you.  i really appreciate you sharing with me.  it made me feel like you trusted me.    thank you.  i didn’t forget about you.  i think about you sometimes, and how you’re doing.  i really care for you and i wish that i could do something to help you.  if it helps, you can talk to me anytime.  i’m glad that we’re friends.  i trust that God can help you more that i ever could, and he will.  just remember to look to Him when you’re feeling down.  i hope that you are doing well and that you find strength in God.  see you soon!

your friend,

esther

End of Summer School

Real summer is about to begin!  For me that is.  For the past six weeks, I’ve been enrolled in a program called Jumpstart at UCLA.  It’s an architecture program including 2 classes: a studio design class and a computer representation class.  It’s been pretty fun, but very stressful and demanding.  I guess it’s a picture of what the rest of my college life might be like.  Here was my schedule:

MWTh: Studio class from 2-6pm

TWTh: Computer class from 9-11am

F: Field trips from 1-6pm

I worked in the studio in Perloff sometimes, but mostly in my apartment.  Late at night, I would often have to print out my work in the printers at the studio.  We had to present our progress to the teachers as they continually critiqued it.   For the computer class, we had an assignment due every Tuesday.  For the studio class, we had 2 projects we worked on.  The first was an outdoor “Lounge-scape” and the second was a pavilion entrance way with a ticket booth for the MOCA museum.  Now, it’s the second to last day and I’m in the studio waiting to print.  I spent a lot of hours in the studio just waiting for the teacher.  Ten of us were grouped with one teacher, so I’d have to wait a while for my one-on-one time with the teacher.

I’m happy I did the program, but it was very exhausting.  At times, I got frustrated at the difficulty and all the time it demanded from me.  Whenever I went home, I would have to work on my projects and not spend time with my family.

In this chunk of summer, I also lived in an apartment for the first time.  I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it.  At first, I was scared about what I was going to eat, but thankfully, it wasn’t a problem.  My friends always cooked me food or I helped with cooking simple meals, so that I never starved.  We also went out to eat a lot.  Summer community was so much fun!  Everyday was so much fun!  We played games, went out to eat, watched movies and just hung out.    Here is a list of some or most of the things we did:

Orochon Ramen
Mafia
Volcano Tea
Golden Eye
Soul Calibur
Nerts
Bang!
Dimsum
Basketball
Movies: Karate Kid, Toy Story 3, The Last Airbender, Dispicable Me, Inception, Definitely Maybe, My Sassy Girl, Goofy Movie, Cloudywith a Chance of Meatballs
Urth Caffe
Mario Golf
Mario Party
Super Smash Brothers
711 on 7/11

and a lot more!  Even though I’m a lot busier, summer school has been more relaxed because of the the lack of busy-ness of UCLA.  I also had a car, which I used a lot!

I’ve been learning how important it is to spend time with God.  With all the busy-ness and fun of summer, it has been distracting me from interacting with God.  Since we don’t have weekly Catalyst or other structures, I have to intentionally  make time with Jesus.  I think that’s how it should be, but I’ve been lazy and distracted.  It’s so hard to break out of the routine of fun.  I’ll have more time in about 2 days, but I’m sad that its over.  Even though its so stressful, I will miss the summer community and fun and excitement of just being at UCLA.  I think my family misses me a lot too.  I’m excited to spend time with them and God and have more free time.  Hopefully I’ll have just as much fun, but in a different way.  (Yay for real meals from my mom!)  Ok, I’m done printing and done with my project.  Hello Almost Summer!

Psalm 36:5

Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies

I want to give Glory to God!

Ever since I entered college, I have been struggling with my major.  I applied to colleges such as UC Berkeley, Cal Poly SLO, University of Oregon and USC as an architecture major.  But, I really wanted to go to UCLA which didn’t have an architecture major.  I prayed about it a lot and I was very torn (I’m bad at making decisions).  I remember one day someone asked me, “So are you going to UCLA?” and then I said, “Yeah.  I think I am.” and I knew that’s when I wanted to come here.

Starting at orientation, I didn’t really like being an engineering major.  I didn’t fit in with the other students, classes were hard and not interesting and I had no motivation for my end result.  When I introduced myself, I would say, “I’m an engineer, but I’m thinking of switching.”   I did think about switching majors, but I sometimes liked being known as smart and hard working.  It was also prestigious to be an engineer and encouraging that I could get a job after college.  So first year, I knew I didn’t like it, but I stayed for lack of finding anything else.

Over the summer, I sat down with my dad and he helped me decide my major, once and for all.  I was going to be a chemistry major, still science but not boxed in like an engineering major.  We had decided, no, I was not going to do architecture, but I would try to double major with art.  So in the fall, I applied for the art school as I took math and physics classes.  I didn’t get into the art major.  I then decided to apply for the architecture major, which was due in January.

This year, winter quarter, I took chemistry.  It was terrible.  I failed the first midterm miserably and I always ended up copying the answers for homework.  I was in a class that I had no interest in.  While people were learning interesting things or practical things for their lives, I was learning about things that had no relevance to my life.  I desired to be in something that I enjoyed and I could relate to.

Throughout the quarter I kept praying that I would get into the architecture major.  God, will you provide for me?  Will you use your power to let me in?  Isn’t this what you want for me?  To be happy?  I finally knew what I wanted, but it seemed too late.  I had already been accepted into the architecture major, and now I was applying AGAIN.  I was frustrated, that I might have chosen the wrong school.  I knew that I was meant to come to UCLA because of all the ways God has shown himself to me, grown me and lead me to follow him.  He has provided community, true friendships, love, joy and happiness.  But there was always, that “what if.”  I had to be reminded that God is always looking out for me.  That he loves me and wants to provide good things–that is his promise.  I was assured that even if I didn’t get in, God still had a plan that was ten times better than my own.  Whatever it may be, God would provide.  I anxiously waited for the results, checking my email multiple times a day, looking online when the results would come or even sending emails to ask.

This Tuesday, I got an email:

Dear Esther,

Your petition to change your major to Architectural Studies has been referred to our office for School review.

I’d like to meet with you to go over a few things.  Please let me know when you would be available for an appointment.

Thank you,

Betsy Foster

I had no idea what this meant.  Earl thought it might be an interview, so I wore a dress to class!  After class, I went to to Broad for my appointment. I prayed before I went in.  Betsy said, “To put you at ease, you were accepted into the architecture major.”  I was SO HAPPY!  She went over what requirements I needed to fulfill and what was going to happen.  As I was listening, I kept thinking, Yes, this is happening. God answered my prayers.  It was not of my doing that this happened but God’s.  God is watching out for me, and providing for me ALWAYS.  He loves me and is always good.  It’s the happiest feeling!  After I left, I had to tell everyone!  I had to tell everyone, all the people who were concerned for me, how God worked in my life and showed his goodness to me.  After all of my struggles over the past year and a half over my major, it was finally settled!  I am so excited for what God has done and what he will do with me in this major.

FURTHERMORE, the same day, I was enrolled into my Geography 5 class where I was waitlisted for a long time, AND I was able to change my lab section so I could enroll in Slavics 40 and drop my chemistry class.  God is definitely providing for me and working in my life.  And I am in awe of his greatness.

Hmm…

March 13, 1010

This quarter has been so interesting.  I’ve been so emotional.  Like every week.  It’s so tiring.  God, what do you have for me?  What am I doing?  What is it that you promise me?

“I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me.”

- Psalm 57

March 12, 2010

Last day of class!  I can’t wait until this quarter is over.  Thank you God for giving me a nice finals schedule.  And also for my chem lab final.  It was pretty good.  I found out it was only 17% of my grade.  I picked this background for my desktop.  I took it at Can.This.Wait last year

March 11, 2010

Loving people.  It’s so hard.  What I’m learning and what God is teaching me is crazy.  You’re supposed to love and care about people who don’t feel the same way?  What if they ignore you?  Or they take advantage of you?  Or don’t respond to your care?  How are you supposed to love people when you don’t actually have the genuine care for them? It’ll just feel fake.  I thought I had it down, but I don’t.  There are people who are hard to love, and I think I just don’t speak to them.  I believe loving people isn’t having that warm fuzzy feeling inside.  Although it’s amazing to feel that, and that makes it easier to love people, I don’t think it is required.  ”Jesus does not command us to feel a certain way: he commands us to love one another by our actions”  Loving people who don’t love you back is so hard, but it’s what Jesus did.  Jesus loves us, when we ignore him, we disobey him and when we stray away.  He died for us, with that love.  Our love that we give others is the love that we receive from God.  As we accept His love, we can pour out that love to others, so that it does not come from us, but it is from God.

“We love because God first loved us” – 1 John 4:19